Monday, 11 May 2009

• Currently All the Things She Said By Tatu see related

  Forgive and forget

  I think the people who are able to forgive and forget are the people that did something wrong. Its easy to forget something when you were the one doing the hurting rather than being hurt. I think its also easier to forgive yourself *mainly because you just forget* than it is to forgive someone else (once again cause you were doing the hurting). I dont really know how I feel about it anymore. For the most part I have tried my best to let things go. To write it off as a mistake and continue on with my life. It was easy ... it isnt easy. At first I wondered what I did wrong. That there was a reason for it happening and I was/am past of that reason. I came up for a lot of aspects to blame myself for. That didnt help. I felt guilty. Guilty for hurting. Guilty for whatever responsibility I had in the situation. That also didnt help. I think the worse feeling was the feeling of change. Having your eyes opened isnt a good thing in this case ... perhaps it isnt ever a good thing. I have always lived my life with a sheild, it is easier to keep people at a distance because they cant hurt you and because most often letting them in only result in more shit. I certianly didnt/dont need more shit. But this time I tried to go whole hearted and I end up in the same place anyone. Taken for granted, lied to, and alone. I dont even mind being alone, I perfer it actually. I am the only person that I can count on at the end of the day. I have friends that respect they - they respect who I am and that I dont need to know everything about thier life or they know everything about me. I want to talk when I want to talk otherwise I dont need to. Alone things make sense. Alone things are easy. I like easy. I wish I had easy more often. But in this situation being alone hurts too. It just makes me think about everything. Think about things that I know I cant control, that I could never control. I can only control myself and perhaps I am my own worst enemy and hurt myself a lot I didnt this time. When I think about it it only makes me angry. Angry that I am still here. Angry I didnt walk away. Angry that I dont respect myself more. Angry that people are so rude and unaware of how thier actions have consequences on others. Once would have been forgivable. Once would have been forgettable. Or on the other side of things I wish it would have happened, completely. There my choice would have been made for me. My decision would have been clear. But they didnt do that - they fucked up and I am left to pick up my peices, the peices, and make the choices because of thier fucked up choices.

  I know that I am not the reason. I dont blame myself anymore. Not for the intiail act anyway. I blame myself for staying maybe. I blame myself for not respecting myself more and making the hard decision that I have always known was the rigth one. But I had no hand to play in what happened. None. My card wasnt considered. No once and certainly not know. I dont feel guilting anymore either. I have no reason to feel guilt because I didnt do anything wrong. I think now I just feel hurt. Hurt by the constant reminder of change and of betrayal. Its the small thnigs that never bothered me before or that I would never have notices that are suspect now. I dont want to live that way. No one would. I shouldnt have to change my life because of a mistake that someone else made.

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