Back to work today. It felt nice to get things back to normal. 'Normal' as things can be I guess. Brandon still has a cough which I worry about. He isnt a fan of docters. I think its a family thing. Personally I think he is scared of them. Although I agree they are over used along with perscriptions and sick time but they are needed. Like when you have a bad cough for 2 weeks straight, perhaps its time to consider your lungs and get them checked.

The Holidays are always a complicated season. Although I wouldnt call it a stress it seems that one would almost need time off after holidays to rest up from thier time off already taken. This season seems like its going to be busy already. Christmas is always a fun time figuring out what dinners are where. My family is easy, my place, christmas eve. However, my mother has been switching it up lately. And I know that my family wants us to go to Fred-town which I doubt will happen but you never know. Since Brandon's parents are divorced there is a bit more juggling but that normally works out. I always hope that Brandon and I can spend time together as in our dinner times dont clash as its nice having him with the family (that is if my brother and sister dont send him over the deep edge as they have attempted to do with my and my parents thier entire lives) Ah siblings ... cant pick them ... cant live with them ... and get get rid of them.

New Years Eve is going to be complicated this year too I just realized. The first complication is that Brandon and I wont be spending it together. :(  Although it makes me sad becaues I enjoy bringing in the new year with my boyfriend in my arms I am excited that he can spend this time with his family who will be coming together to join in the celebrations of Josh and Sarah's wedding. It will be the first time that some of his family members have been to the hometown in a while and Brandon as always will enjoy the socialization. The second commplication of the holiday season is figuring out how to get there, how to get back, how to get Brandon back and what to do with the cats but this will all come in time. The invitation was a bit short notice so plans will have to change. Brandon obviously wont be going to New York City and I really dont have anyone else that is in the country with a passport to come with me. I am trying to get my sister to get her passport together but as a first year university student I am not sure she will have the money. Perhaps I will not go to New York City but spend New Years Eve in Canada for the first time in a few years. The third complicaton is money. I think Brandons a bit freaked out becaues it means we will have to be home from the Dec 23- Jan 2 and thats a big chunk of change that is cut out of the pay chq. Not to mention the fact he will just be back to work after school. I would like to say - YAY for salary! I get paid either way. mwuahaha. The fourth complication is the cats. If I do stay in Canada then I think we will just head up home together and drag out cats along with it. Although I have mentioned this to Rascal and Copper they do not seem thrilled with the idea. Rascal did enjoy the extra company that my family gives but was a fan of the 6 hours drive or the dogs. Copper .... well I doubt she will enjoy the drive either and many be a bit more welcoming towards the dogs but still wont be excited about the process. At least this time I will have Brandon to drive home with me. The holidays are always busy so we will just add it all to the mix and figure it out!

I think the people who are able to forgive and forget are the people that did something wrong. Its easy to forget something when you were the one doing the hurting rather than being hurt. I think its also easier to forgive yourself *mainly because you just forget* than it is to forgive someone else (once again cause you were doing the hurting). I dont really know how I feel about it anymore. For the most part I have tried my best to let things go. To write it off as a mistake and continue on with my life. It was easy ... it isnt easy. At first I wondered what I did wrong. That there was a reason for it happening and I was/am past of that reason. I came up for a lot of aspects to blame myself for. That didnt help. I felt guilty. Guilty for hurting. Guilty for whatever responsibility I had in the situation. That also didnt help. I think the worse feeling was the feeling of change. Having your eyes opened isnt a good thing in this case ... perhaps it isnt ever a good thing. I have always lived my life with a sheild, it is easier to keep people at a distance because they cant hurt you and because most often letting them in only result in more shit. I certianly didnt/dont need more shit. But this time I tried to go whole hearted and I end up in the same place anyone. Taken for granted, lied to, and alone. I dont even mind being alone, I perfer it actually. I am the only person that I can count on at the end of the day. I have friends that respect they - they respect who I am and that I dont need to know everything about thier life or they know everything about me. I want to talk when I want to talk otherwise I dont need to. Alone things make sense. Alone things are easy. I like easy. I wish I had easy more often. But in this situation being alone hurts too. It just makes me think about everything. Think about things that I know I cant control, that I could never control. I can only control myself and perhaps I am my own worst enemy and hurt myself a lot I didnt this time. When I think about it it only makes me angry. Angry that I am still here. Angry I didnt walk away. Angry that I dont respect myself more. Angry that people are so rude and unaware of how thier actions have consequences on others. Once would have been forgivable. Once would have been forgettable. Or on the other side of things I wish it would have happened, completely. There my choice would have been made for me. My decision would have been clear. But they didnt do that - they fucked up and I am left to pick up my peices, the peices, and make the choices because of thier fucked up choices.

I know that I am not the reason. I dont blame myself anymore. Not for the intiail act anyway. I blame myself for staying maybe. I blame myself for not respecting myself more and making the hard decision that I have always known was the rigth one. But I had no hand to play in what happened. None. My card wasnt considered. No once and certainly not know. I dont feel guilting anymore either. I have no reason to feel guilt because I didnt do anything wrong. I think now I just feel hurt. Hurt by the constant reminder of change and of betrayal. Its the small thnigs that never bothered me before or that I would never have notices that are suspect now. I dont want to live that way. No one would. I shouldnt have to change my life because of a mistake that someone else made.